Right now I am dangling at the end, frantically trying to tie a knot with what little rope is left, I keep praying and as soon as things start to look a little better a strong gust of wind comes along and is making me sway harder and my arms are getting weaker and weaker. I still have my faith because at this point there is hardly anything else left. I am normally a happy, upbeat and positive person but there are only so many hits a person can take until you feel that the rope is going to snap and you are going to free fall into an abyss. I won't look down because I am afraid of what is down there, and if there isn't ground close I will be in real trouble because I am afraid of heights and I will simple have a heart attack and let go of the rope.
I do have some bright spots I am trying to focus on.
One, my daughter is doing better. Her moods have stabilized and she seems to be getting back to her old self. No longer is she the ball of attitude and hatefulness, although she still can have her moments, but can't we all. She started training at a new job this week and she thinks she is going to really like it. For this, I am very grateful to God because without Him I am not sure what would have happened if she had continued down the path she was on. She was able to get off the Depo-Provera shot this month and hopefully it will all get out of her system soon.
Two, I was able to sell every set of the Naughty Princess cards within a few days. I still have two sets that I am waiting on payment but they are packaged and ready to send out once the payment is received. The extra money helped, if only I had about 20 more sets to sell I might feel a little better. But to be honest I don't think I could keep my sanity long enough to make 20 more sets *okie shudders thinking about all those tiny pieces*.
Three, I have a home, a job and a working vehicle...which is a lot more than a lot of people have these days. So for this I am grateful...very grateful.
Four, the MRI showed I have a slight bulging disc at C6-C7, or something like that. There is no pressure on my spinal cord at this time but the doctor is going to keep an eye on it. I still don't know why my hands go numb, nor does my doctor. The Neurontin does seem to help some though.
Five, I have a wonderful support group of family and friends that no matter how down I get they can always make me laugh and smile. For instance, I was talking to BFF Karen on the phone last week and was letting her know how she needed to buck up and her life isn't that bad, and explained all the stress I have going on in my life and the conversation went like this....
ME: "but on the upside my a1c is standing at 6.8, my cholesterol is 132 and my blood pressure is 117/69"
Karen: "HOLY F*$%ING SHIT! You are gonna have to live in hell forever! I AM LUCKY! My cholesterol is around 300 so at least I am going to die some day!"
Too which I went into fits of laughter, ya know the kind where tears run down your cheeks and your stomach hurts bad you grab your sides? Yeah...that kinda laughter.
Right now I am taking each day one day at a time and hoping that tomorrow will be brighter. Okay, maybe brighter but without so much heat, as we are in the triple digits now and I am sure that adds to my feelings of despair.
I think while I have that knot in the rope I will just stop and rest for a bit and reflect on what I have to be grateful for in my life. As I sit here now thinking of how things could have been so much worse with my daughter and the MRI I am realizing that this too shall pass. Maybe it won't pass as fast as I think it should, or even as fast as it could, but it will pass. It's time to close my eyes and reflect on the situations and find what I can learn from everything that has been going on. As I always say...
There is no such thing as a negative experience as long as you learn something from it.