You see my BFF Carmen from Houston *okie figures she better clarify so people don't think it is BFF Carmen from Florida* has taken the position as President for the Bearkadette Mothers, which is the group of mothers that organize stuff for her daughters dance troop at school, and will be unavailable to me as required as my "PHONE BFF". This is Carmen and Dani when they went on the Bearkadette trip this summer to California.
Anyway, I am rather upset that Carmen did not consider her duties as the PBFF *okie thinks she will just use that instead of typing out the whole thing every time* when taking the position as the president of this mother's group. I know Carmen knew the duties of her new position were going to take up her time but we found out just how much this past week.
You see Carmen's duties as my PBFF is to be available for phone calls anytime of day or night, okay usually not after 10pm on weeknights unless it is summer or school is out the next day. She also has to be available on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday for when I drive to McCall's Chapel to see clients there. This week she has missed phone calls numerous times because she was busy with those blasted presidential duties and I am just not liking it!
I have informed Carmen that I am going to take applications to replace her at this time. She is not liking it at all and says I can't do it. I told her I most certainly can and will! She even told me she gets to screen the applicants, which will never happen because she will find the slightest reasons to toss out an application.
The requirements are as follows:
1. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday morning phone calls for at least 10 minutes, hours vary from 10:30 am to 12:00 pm. You must be available during this time and answer your phone immediately and be ready to talk about any nonsense that pops into my head. Whether it be me whining about ungrateful teenagers or my love life - or lack there of, Lucy latest shenanigans, etc.
2. Phone calls during afternoon times, even if you are waiting at the doctor, giving the dog a bath, driving to Hobby Lobby, Joann's, Michaels, etc. If you do not answer you have to call me back within a 2 minute time period or you will be docked points and another applicant will be considered.
3. Phone calls during the evening time, this includes if you are making dinner, eating dinner with your family, talking with your husband, spending time with the kids. Now I am not a total hard azz and I will make allowances for you to tell me "hey I am eating right now" "I need to talk to my husband" and allow you time to do this chore and then call me back, but it must be within 10 minute time frame. Again if you fail to do so you will be docked points.
4. Phone calls at night and be ready to talk while you do laundry, tend to your family, work on projects, in bed, etc. And a very solid requirement is that you are ready to talk until 2am on weekends without complaint. The until 2am phone calls are not a regular thing but the midnight ones are so if this is a problem do NOT apply.
5. Since I have a headset phone, with speaker option, you have to be willing to bathe with me, go to bed with me, go to the bathroom with me, craft with me, do the dishes with me, garden with me, and any other activity I may be doing during the phone call. In case you are wondering, do not worry about be being intimate with someone while we are on the phone...that doesn't happen in my house, however you must be willing to stop being intimate at your house if your phone rings and it is me.
6. Your husband and children must not complain when I call. I also will require their numbers and will be texting and calling them as I wish and they must respond as well.
7. Your mother must not me mind me calling her bad names, telling her she is gonna go live in the garage with the dogs, tell her she needs to get her lazy azz out of bed, etc. She must never complain about me calling at anytime and must welcome me with open arms when I decide to visit. It also helps that when I visit she doesn't mind me crawling in bed with her during a lazy afternoon to just talk.
8. You must be willing to be openly honest with your opinion and accept my opinion, we have to be willing to agree to disagree at times, but mostly you have to just agree with me so it leaves things uncomplicated and we can move on to subjects that are more important to me.
If you understand the cartoon to the left then you understand the importance this rule be followed and how to follow it.
Okay now that you have all the VERY SIMPLE requirements I expect the applications to be rolling in. You must remember that this is a temporary position and the tenure will be for the time limit of one year. At the end of the year you have to be willing for me to delete your number and you delete mine as my PBFF Carmen will be available at my beckon call once again.
All applications will be seriously considered and any applicants making it to the interview round must be ready for a grueling and enduring round of 5 interviews *okie sighs deeply wondering if anyone will make it past the first interview* before making it to the last round of interviews. Applying to be my PBFF is not something to take lightly. The pay for the position is the satisfaction of know I am happy and that should be enough for you, as it is enough for Carmen.
LET THE APPLICANTS BEGIN!!